Why you should stop at 2 kids (a drunken spill from a mom of 4)

As I sit at my computer, pant-less, in my 4th consecutive hour on Pinterest, at the bottom of my 3rd Screwdriver, and the kids away for the weekend, I’ve found myself thinking about how much freaking money my beautiful children are actually costing us in a year (not that we’re hurting, but DAMN I miss shopping for myself!). So anyway here’s why you should stop after the 2nd baby.

*pours another drink*

January- You fall asleep at 10pm watching Grey’s Anatomy, while waiting to ring in the New Year, which is “Whatever I guess, there will be other years and I would have fallen asleep anyway.” you tell yourself. Luckily the only thing going on this month is your dads and sisters birthdays, no big deal, buy yourself something nice like a pair of boots!

February- Awww the month of LOVE…and your sons FIRST BIRTHDAY! YAY!!! Now I get that not all birthdays require a party, but this is a first so A PARTY THERE IS! $200 dropped on that, and next week is Valentines Day ❤ Wanna go out with my husband but nothing to fancy, we’ll just go out for dinner and drinks, maybe catch a movie $100 dropped, but don’t forget the Valentines for the kids! That’s another $20 each, plus school sent home letters about donations for the Valentine Parties (and you’re the class mom, so you have to get the teacher a gift from the class), $150 dropped. It’s cool, it’s cool, next month we’ll do better.

March- ANOTHER KID BIRTHDAY! Luckily she’s a toddler and you’re able to bribe her with a family trip to the zoo and dinner, but is that really gonna save you any money? Nahhh. $200 dropped. Okay, okay, we started out strong this month but luckily there’s only 1 more birthday this month and it’s your moms. $30 dropped on a cute primitive for her living room.

April- HAPPY EASTER! Better get those gift baskets from Target unless you want to spend $50 a piece assembling your own! $80 dropped. Oh shit, I almost forgot Easter clothes. We don’t even go to church, but our parents insist on them going and it gives you alone time so we’ll buy some clothes, whatever. Another $80 dropped. No big deal I guess.

*pours more vodka into the 1/2 oz of OJ left in the coffee cup*

May- SUMMER BREAK! Summer is here, the kids are home all day every day, and they are BORED. Buy some outside stuff, idk what; chalk, a sprinkler, a little pool, GET SUN BLOCK. They definitely need bathing suits too, and since they are still pretty little, you need one too (awesome, now I get to try on a thousand bathing suits I’d like to wear, but bust out of, or look like the Michelin man in and eventually get the one piece with fringe at the top like I end up with every year, only in a size bigger than the previous year). All in all, this month was okay. $160 dropped.

June- Let’s go to the WATERPARK! $70 dropped. No biggie, we can actually save fo… “Why are we stopping??? I thought you had the oil changed like a month ago?” $90 dropped, because your husband’s car takes oil made with the tears of angels and diamond dust, and hey go ‘head and rotate the tires, bud.

July- GOD BLESS AMERICA BUT F*** THE PRICE OF FIREWORKS! Screw this, we’ll get sparklers and those little popping things, but we’re going to the cities annual thing and watch those fireworks. $20 dropped, sweet. IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, you don’t want to do anything too wild, so you and babe go out for a night on the town, have some dinner, a few too many drinks and “AH MY GAH, WE SHA GO TO THE MALL! I NERR GET TO DO ANYTHG FER ME! AND YOU KNO WUH? I DUHSERVE IT! I REALLY DO, BABE!” $300 dropped WTF, it’s okay you’re allocated one REALLY shitty and selfish spending spree a year. It’s the only way you’re ever going to buy clothes for yourself.

August- BACK TO SCHOOL, AYO! Get these kids OUT of here! But first clothes for 3 kids, and new shoes (nice shoes and sneakers). $450 dropped. But wait, there’s more… Shopping lists from the teachers, which include RIDICULOUS amounts of items, which are normally $1.79 but are jacked up for the rest of the month, including 5 packs of black Expo markers wtf…wait FROM EACH KID IN THE CLASS?? That’s dumb y’all. Another freakin’ $175 dropped. Time to start day dreaming about tax season.

September- YAY! Another birthday! But she’s extra and needs a party…as a matter of fact she wants a Hotel Slumber Party like her big sister had last year. The hotel alone; $120 dropped. Everything else, including her present; $100 dropped. But that’s it right? Good.

October- If I have to hear “Trick or Treat, smell my feet” one more time, I swear to God… FAMILY COSTUMES YAY!!! $140 dropped. Now that’s more like it until….

*gets ready to drop the bomb and finishes what’s left in the mug*

November- Feed me. BUT FIRST, it’s babe’s 30th birthday LETS HAVE A PARTY, $120 dropped. It’s also, your brother-in-law, mother-in-law, grandma-in-law, aunt-in-law, uncle-in-law and OMG another kid birthday??? She also wants a sleepover? $300 dropped. HOLY SH. Christmas is NEXT MONTH? Hope these kids are cool with yo-yo’s and coloring books. I mean, it’s the magic of Santa Claus, that they’re really excited about, right?

December- We should be fine if we bargain shop. Christmas for 4 kids; $600 dropped…oops, but they are going to be so happy and it’ll be worth it just to see their little faces light up. Christmas for the rest of the family; $70 dropped, on DIY project bc there is no more money to spend, it’s gone


After all that’s said and done, add in rent for an at least 4 bedroom house and the bills for it, car payments, insurance for 6 people, random small purchases, cell phones, pet food and maintenance, cable and WiFi (gotttttta have that WiFi), random school events and if you want to continue to love your spouse, date night… It adds up.

It’s a circus, and you’re the juggling act.

Some parents are jut naturally strong and organized, if that’s you, more power to ya. If you’ve got it together (or if you don’t bc who really does anyway?) have 6 kids, have 8 kids like my Grandma did, LIVE YOUR LIFE AND GROW THAT FAM! But when it comes to me, I take Celexa, drink lots of coffee and heavily lean on Pinterest to hold my life together.

Life with 4 kids can be beautiful, you just have to find more time to breathe and realize that it’s all worth it than you would with 2, and see that one day they truly and wholly will appreciate you and all you did for them. They will remember forever.


3 thoughts on “Why you should stop at 2 kids (a drunken spill from a mom of 4)

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